Playing Leapfrog With The Shark
by The Dark Lord Duroth
Summary: Phineas becomes a centaur, an army of angry Ids attack, the Vending Machines descend upon the world and... Wait- what? Is the world going crazy? Yes. Yes it is.
1. Chapter 1

**Playing Leapfrog With The Shark:**

**Chapter 1:**

A herd of orange and purple antelope grazed in a field in Danville Park. A strange noise alerted one of the orange antelopes, which raised its head to inspect the premise. It had the triangular head and facial features of Phineas Flynn.

It snorted to tell the other antelopes of the noise, which was by now growing louder. One of the purple antelopes looked up, revealing the face of Ferb Fletcher. The Ferb-antelope cocked its head to listen to the noise:

_rrrrRRRRR… vROOOOM! SMASH!_

The herd of strange antelopes scattered as a swamp buggy burst through a copse of trees nearby.

In the drivers seat sat the _real_ Ferb Fletcher, guiding the swamp buggy after the fleeing antelopes. Next to Ferb sat his stepbrother, Phineas.

"Okay, guys," called Phineas to the others riding the buggy, "Here we go! Capture Crossbows out!"

The others in the swamp buggy, Baljeet Tjinder, Bufor Van Strom, Isabella Garcia-Shapiro and the local group of Fireside Girls cheered and each picked up a crossbow fitted to throw nets. They weren't out to kill everything, after all.

As Ferb steadily closed in on the antelope herd, the kids readied their Capture Crossbows, ready to capture some antelopes with Phineas and Ferb's heads.

"We are within range," said Ferb, "You may open fire."

The group did so with much enthusiasm, blasting nets towards the antelopes. Almost immediately, one went down, a net wrapped around its legs.

"Woohoo!" called Buford, "I got the first hit!"

"No, silly, that one's mine," corrected Baljeet.

"Are you disagreeing with me?" snarled Buford.

"…Not exactly."

"Good."

Phineas and the Fireside Girls ignored this exchange and simply kept on shooting, bringing down antelope after antelope. Buford and Baljeet noticed this and went back to firing.

Finally, Phineas called to Ferb, "I think that's enough. Let's turn back and check out what we caught."

Ferb quickly swung the swamp buggy around and zoomed back along their path. He slowed when they came by the last antelope that had been brought down.

The gang climbed out of the swamp buggy and went to inspect their catch. Phineas leaned over the net wrapped antelope and frowned.

"Y'know, it's sort of weird to be hunting animals that look like you," he said.

The orange, triangle headed antelope glared at him.

"Hey, didn't we see this kind of antelope when we were going through Candace's subconscious? Her Id was hunting them, I think," said Baljeet.

Ferb nodded.

"Then how come we came across them in Danville Park?"

Buford shrugged, "Who cares? What's next on the list of weirdos to hunt?"

Phineas pulled out a notebook and looked through it.

"It looks like we're going after unicorns next."

The Fireside Girls cheered and climbed back into the swamp buggy.

Buford shrugged, "Ah well, looks like we're going after every girl's fantasy."

"Are you sure?" asked Baljeet, "Unicorn hunts were known for being extremely deadly. The Unicorn usually gored at least one person by the end of the hunt."

"This hunt just got that much better," cackled Buford as he headed back to the swamp buggy. Baljeet and Phineas followed him, leaving Ferb to free the antelopes.

The swamp buggy roared between the trees of Danville Park, avoiding trees, bushes, park benches, and the occasional weirded out pedestrian. Phineas's Mythical Creature O'Meter was measuring the levels of mythical creature, and helping direct Ferb to the unicorn.

Unfortunately, it wasn't always completely accurate. It had directed them to a Griffin, a young dragon, and a very angry tree. So, hopefully this time it would take them to a unicorn.

Suddenly the device beeped and shuddered. Phineas looked at the readout and called to Ferb, "It should be to the left!"

Ferb directed the swamp buggy to the left and into a large copse of trees. Immediately the Mythical Creature O'Meter began to beep slowly and steadily.

"It should be in here somewhere," said Phineas, "Go slowly."

Ferb slowed the swamp buggy, carefully avoiding trees until the Mythical Creature O'Meter began to beep faster.

"Okay, Ferb. It should be just up ahead. Capture Crossbows out, everybody," whispered Phineas.

The group quietly readied their crossbows as Ferb edged the swamp buggy around one last tree, revealing the unicorn.

_Thwap! Thwap! Thwap!_

Three nets hit the unicorn at the same time, wrapping it up and sending it to the ground. Immediately, Phineas, Ferb, Buford and Baljeet climbed out of the swamp buggy and ran over to inspect their catch.

Phineas looked over the unicorn. It was pretty much a white horse with a black mane and tail. And, of course, it had a single white horn jutting out of its forehead.

Then the unicorn sat up and said, "Ugh, Phineas? What is this?"

Everyone stared at the unicorn. It had sounded exactly like Isabella.

"I-Isabella? Is that you?" asked Phineas.

"Who else would it be?"

"Well," said Baljeet, "You are a unicorn, for one thing."

"What?" said Isabella, then she looked down, "Oh, yeah. That."

"How exactly do you explain spontaneous transformation into a mythical equine?" Baljeet asked.

"The same way you explain that," said Isabella, nodding back towards the swamp buggy. In front of the buggy stood the Fireside Girls. Well, not exactly.

They had somehow become their counterparts from the land of Odd, the Patchkins, and were now doing a Bulgarian Clog Dance.

"Huh?" said Phineas.

"And that," added Isabella, now nodding towards Phineas.

Phineas looked down and realized that instead of legs he now had the body of a horse. He was a centaur.

"Again, huh?" he asked, "Could somebody please explain to me what's going on here? Why am I a centaur?"

"Eh, who cares," Buford said, "I was just coming along to see if the unicorn was going to gore anybody. And, well, she isn't. She's tied up, in fact."

"I might make an exception for you, Buford," snorted Isabella.

"Ooh, I'm scared! Run from the cutesy little unicorn!" Buford waved his hands in the air mockingly. Isabella stood up.

"OHCRUDSHE'SLOOSE," shrieked Buford. "RUN! Run for your sick, twisted little lives!" He skipped out of the way, just in time to avoid Isabella trying to stab him with her horn. She whinnied in rage.

"Get back here so I can tear out your lungs with a rusty fork and feed them to a herd of wild boar!"

Buford started running. "No thanks, I'd like to keep my lungs right where they are, thank you very much!"

Somewhere in the distance, Candace screamed, "AIIEEE! Giant squirrel! Little Suzy! Suzy-squirrel!"

"…Help?" said Phineas, "Since when was I a centaur?"

"Jelly Baby, anyone?" said Ferb.

**So, yes. In case you hadn't guessed by this point, **_**Playing Leapfrog With the Shark **_**is utterly insane. I sort of feel like Victor Frankenstein. **

**Mwahahaha.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Sorry about forgetting the disclaimer last time. I should say that I don't own Phineas and Ferb, or Doctor Who. For those of you who are wondering what Doctor Who is doing in a Phineas and Ferb story, I'll just say I got the idea from a picture my older brother drew. But no, it's not a crossover.**

The woods of Danville Park were quiet and tranquil. Sunlight filtered through the canopy of leaves, creating a beautiful pattern of light not unlike a stained glass window. A deer wandered slowly into a clearing, nosing the ground for a good patch of grass to eat. Then…

"_AAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!"_

The tranquility was shattered by the scream of Candace Flynn as she dashed through the woods, apparently running from something. The deer bounded away, tail up in warning.

Candace, in the meantime, ran through the clearing and into a copse of trees, still screaming. A moment later, the reason for her distress became apparent as a group of six-foot-long squirrels rushed into the clearing.

The leader of the squirrels, a big dark furred fellow, stopped and stood up, having lost track of his quarry. He held up a paw, and the troop of giant squirrels stopped behind him. The leader cocked his head, listening for a moment. Then he turned to the exact copse of trees that Candace had run into moments earlier, attracted by her screams.

The squirrels' eyes almost seemed to glow with an evil light as he led his troop after Candace.

Candace, in the meantime, ran higgledy-piggledy through the woods, simply trying to escape the evil giant squirrels. She wasn't sure where they were from, or what they wanted to do to her, but she knew who had sent them, and that was enough to make her run for the hills.

A triumphant screech echoed through the woods- the squirrels were closing in. Candace risked a look back in time to see a six foot squirrel leaping from the ground into a tree.

Great. They had caught up, and evil squirrels overhead couldn't possibly be a good thing. Candace looked back to her path just in time to see a tree branch at head level.

_Bonk._

Candace stumbled away from the tree, turned in a circle, and fell in a heap on the ground. Her last coherent thought before blacking out was, '_I should know better than to evoke clichés.'_

Candace's first coherent thought upon waking up was, '_Why am I tied up?'_

It was a very good question, the answer being that the squirrels had found her and trussed her up like a pig, and were now dragging her away for whatever devious things they had planned.

As Candace fully woke up, however, she realized that she wasn't being dragged away to whatever the squirrels had planned. No, they were already there.

Candace was hung from a rope over a large campfire, around which there was the group of giant squirrels. Most of them were grinning evilly, if in a squirrelish way.

And, of course, sitting on an outcropping of rock not seven feet away was the reason the squirrels were after her in the first place.

Suzy Johnson.

"Hello, Candace," said Suzy in a voice that, despite being cute and high pitched, somehow just felt… _evil._ Adding to the image of evil-ness was the leader of the giant squirrels with his head in her lap. She was stroking its fur in a way that, again, just felt evil.

"Ah… Hi, Suzy…" squeaked Candace, "Fancy meeting you here…"

"Of course you would meet me here," said Suzy exasperatedly, "I'm the one who set these giant squirrels on you in the first place. It makes sense that I would be here."

"Um, yeah. Speaking of the giant squirrels, where did you get them?" asked Candace. Might as well learn.

"Ah, these beauties?" said Suzy, petting her giant squirrel, "I found these on the long lost island of Wohbanjomon. They're quite intelligent, so I trained them to eat my enemies…"

Candace swallowed nervously, the fact that she was Suzy's foremost enemy not escaping her. Then something else occurred to her.

"B-but when have you ever explored long lost isla-"

She was cut off as Suzy stood up, saying, "Ah, well, I guess it's time to feed my pets."

Suzy looked at the squirrel leader beside her, "George, you can eat her now."

Candace looked at her quizzically, "Wait, you have a group of highly trained killer attack squirrels that eat you enemies, and you name their leader _George?_"

"Yup," said Suzy, then to 'George,' "Get her."

The squirrel chattered with glee and leaped forwards…

…Only to be knocked asides by a giant club that looked like Ducky Momo and squeaked loudly as it brained the hungry squirrel.

Suzy and the rest of the squirrels looked in the direction that the Ducky Momo club had come from to see… Candace. Well, a fifteen-foot-tall, muscular Candace with gray skin and fangs. The creature beat it's chest in triumph at hitting the lead squirrel.

"My _Id?" _asked Candace, "I thought that only lived in my head!"

Candace's Id roared and charged towards Suzy.

"Squirrels! Attack that Candace monster!" yelled Little Suzy. The giant squirrels surrounding Candace squealed in rage and rushed forwards to attack the Id. They collided in a battle somewhat like… well… Candace couldn't come up with a good metaphor, but she had seen this kind of fight before.

The squirrels clung to the Id's clothes and skin, biting and clawing. The Id, meanwhile, tore off its attackers and flung them across the clearing, bashed them together, threw them into the air and stuff like that. But the squirrels kept coming back for more- the Id wasn't dealing much damage.

The Id slowly made its way across the clearing to its club, slogging through the swarm of angry squirrels. Once it had its club, the fight tipped in the Ids favor. It bashed two squirrels into the woods at the same time and swallowed another whole.

The squirrels backed off immediately- they hadn't anticipated the Id having a jaw big enough to eat one of them in one go. (Of course, it didn't, but the Id was a monster of the subconscious world- it could do whatever it needed to eat you.) But Suzy yelled at the squirrels to continue the attack, and the squirrels loyally leaped at the Id again.

The Id grinned evilly and Candace looked away as her Id plowed through the squirrels. They didn't stand a chance against the physical manifestation of a teenage girls' foulest thoughts, armed with club that looked like Ducky Momo.

Little Suzy apparently realized this as well.

"Squirrels! Run away!" she called. The squirrels gladly turned tail and fled, their numbers greatly reduced. Little Suzy stopped one as it fled the clearing and mounted it. Then she urged her ride away from the hungry Id as fast as possible.

The Id looked after its fleeing enemies for a moment, and then roared in triumph.

"Ah… Do you think you could let me down?" asked Candace cautiously.

The Id looked at her and grunted. Then it walked over to her and roughly snapped the rope suspending her above the bonfire. Then it ripped the ropes holding Candace apart and dumped her on the ground.

"Um… Thanks?" said Candace, unsure of how to greet a physical manifestation of her foulest thoughts. The Id simply grinned, showing its impressive mouthful of fangs, and stomped away.

Candace stared after the monster for a minute, and then ran off into the woods.

Half an hour of being very lost later, Candace leaned around a bush to see a path winding through the park. Next to the path was a park bench, with _Jeremy sitting on it._

"Oh, Jeremy!" said Candace, and stepped completely out from behind the bush, and immediately saw who Jeremy was sitting next to. A cute girl. And she was talking to him.

And he laughed.

Candace immediately popped back behind the bush and crouched down to think.

"Who is this girl?" she whispered to herself. "I've never seen her before! And he laughs at her jokes? He never laughs at my jokes! Oh, this is awful!"

She looked back in time to see Jeremy high-five the girl, and fell back behind the bush making a high-pitched wailing noise.

Jeremy looked up. "Do you hear something?" he asked.

The girl next to him cocked her head quizzically. "My audio-sensors detect a high-pitched noise commonly described as 'keening,' and generally associated with distressed canines."

Jeremy looked at her for a moment.

"And I'm suddenly reminded that you're an android," he said.

The girl cocked her head again, "Is that bad?"

"Well, I was told to make sure you could act as a part of society without revealing that you're a robot, and that doesn't really help, Paige."

"Oh. I apologize."

Jeremy was about to reply, but paused. "And what's _that_ noise? It sounds like stomping. This is getting pretty weird…"

Paige reached down and touched the pavement with a finger. "Calculating…" she said, and then her eyes glowed green. "Noise is derived from rapid movement of large humanoid weighing upwards of two tons. The humanoid is approaching this location, and will arrive in under thirty seconds."

Jeremy sighed and rubbed his forehead, "I just said you shouldn't do that- why do you?"

"It is my directive to aid humans in any way possible, ranging from answering questions as best I can to physical aid in case of an emergency."

"I see-AAAAUGH!" said Jeremy as he was grabbed around the waist by Candace's Id and thrown over its shoulder.

Candace heard Jeremy yell, and looked out from behind the bush just in time to see the cute girl running away shouting something. Jeremy was nowhere to be seen. Candace rushed to the park bench, only to find just an empty park bench with nothing on it.

She fell to her knees, staring at the empty park bench. Jeremy had been talking with another girl… and now he was gone, with only a scream to mark his disappearance? Had the cute girl eaten him or something? Whatever the case…

…THE WORLD WAS OVER.

And then a rainbow colored monkey fell out of the sky of the world that was over.

"Hello, sad human," it said. "What is your name?"

Candace looked at it dismally. "Ca-"

Then she stopped to think. She had been 'Candace,' but now everything 'Candace' lived for was gone. 'Candace' was dead. She was no longer 'Candace.' Now she was… Who? She considered for a moment, and then her mind settled on a name she was by an arguably existent zebra.

"Kevin," she said.

"An excellent choice, my dear," said the arguably existent zebra.

"A pleasure to meet you, Kevin," said the rainbow colored monkey, ignoring the zebra. "My name is Norbert. Since you seem so sad, would you like to come with me? My people could cheer you up- we know all sorts of tricks to make people happy."

Kevin looked at the monkey for a moment. "Sure," she said.

The monkey took her hand and they soared into the sky, to a large incandescent flying saucer Kevin was surprised that she hadn't seen, it was so obvious.

As they soared away from the planet, the monkey asked, "So, do you like slapstick or romantic comedy better?"

A cyborg platypus stared after the spaceship as it flew away.

"PRIMARY ASSIMILATION TARGET OUT OF REACH,"It said to itself. "MOVE ON TO SECONDARY TARGET: PHINEAS FLYNN."

**Yup, say hello to… wait- he didn't appear in this chapter? Oh. Sorry to you Doctor Who fans for getting your hopes up that you'll find some reference in this chapter. I think he's going to show up in the next one, along with the Borg and the Good Witch of- oh, wait that's even later.**

** I am so confused right now.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello again, and welcome everybody to **_**Playing Leapfrog With The Shark, **_**otherwise known as **_**That Really Weird Fic That I Keep Going Back to For Some Reason I Don't Know. **_**Actually, I don't know if that's what you refer to this fic as, it's just an estimate. **

** Anyways, I don't own Phineas and Ferb, Doctor Who, or Star Trek. Have fun, everybody, and look out for references!**

"I mean seriously, how in the _world _does Isabella get turned into a unicorn, the Fireside Girls into Patchkins, and me into a centaur? It makes no sense!" yelled Phineas.

The aforementioned people were walking through Danville Park, accompanied by Buford, Baljeet and Ferb. Phineas was currently in a heated argument with Baljeet about the weird transformations most of the group had undergone the chapter before last.

"But this just goes to prove my chaos theory that anything that _can _happen _will _happen," said Baljeet. "_That_ is quite sensible."

Phineas gave him a look. "And the Fireside Girls singing polka and doing tap dances?" he asked.

"I'll admit, this is slightly odd," said Baljeet. "But it still goes to prove my chaos theory!"

Buford looked over to Ferb, who was eating a bag of Jelly Babies.

"Y'know," he said, "I just stopped listening at the word 'theory.' It saves my brain a lot of trouble trying to figure out what he's saying."

"Jelly Baby?" said Ferb, holding out the bag.

Isabella trotted up next to them. She said, "Really, Ferb. You've been offering those things for the past half hour. It's starting to get on my nerves."

Ferb silently retracted the bag of Jelly Babies, selected a purple one from the bag and began chewing.

The Fire Side Patchkins rollerbladed past in a human pyramid.

"Aaand that is starting to get slightly creepy," said Buford. "I mean really, they only show up every few minutes, and they're always doing some weird dance or group acrobatics."

"I think that's what Patchkins do," said Isabella, "Either that or they're trying to earn their 'Be a Brick Joke' patch."

Outside Danville Park, six city blocks and tons of meaningless banter later, Phineas noticed that no one had remarked on the fact that he was a centaur, Isabella was a unicorn, and that there was a group of Patchkins performing synchronized skydiving above them.

Finally, out of sheer annoyance that no one was noticing anything odd, he stopped a passing man.

"Pardon me sir, but don't you notice anything… weird about our group?" he asked.

The man looked at the group; Buford was currently giving Baljeet a Wet Willy, Ferb was eating Jelly Babies and looking nonchalant, and Isabella (still a unicorn) was watching as the Patchkins finally opened their parachutes and began floating to the ground. Then he looked back at Phineas, who was currently a centaur.

"Can't say that I do," said the man.

Phineas couldn't believe his ears, "_Really?" _

"Well, you're Phineas Flynn, right?"

"Yes…"

"Well, you've taken to doing crazy and awesome stuff all the time, so I pretty much ignore it. Otherwise I get a headache trying to figure out how a couple of kids can create a machine that makes Ikea dressers assemble themselves in under a minute."

Phineas thought, "Okay, I see where you're coming from…"

"That, and we're all too busy to notice, seeing as we're trying to escape from a rampaging Borg army," said the man. "Nice meeting you, hope you don't get assimilated or anything!"

He waved goodbye and walked away.

"Wait, what?" Phineas asked, but the man had already walked into an antique shop and didn't hear him.

Isabella walked up next to him, "Borg? What's going on now?"

She got her answer in the form of several terrified screams:

"AAAAIIIEE!"

"I don't want to be a Borg!"

And, "What is that thing, a beaver du-AAARGH!"

The person who had said the last one was currently being swarmed by several of the dreaded cyborgs. Which… were rather weird looking cyborgs, to say the least.

"Hey guys," said Buford, "What's up with those cyborg things?"

"I cannot tell." Said Ferb, "But one seems to be a park bench."

And indeed it was.

The crowd of Borg was a motley group at best, made up of three random assimilated citizens, (as Ferb had noted) a park bench, a tree and…

"I-is that _Perry_?" yelled Phineas.

"So it would seem," said Baljeet, "My chaos theory seems to have taken effect on Perry."

The cyborg Perry scanned the street, searching for new targets. The kids realized -a little too late- that they were the last un-assimilated people there, the others having fled.

Perry focused on them.

"Perry! What are you doing, boy?" Phineas yelled to what appeared to be his pet platypus. Perry looked the group up and down with his mechanical eye.

" I AM NOT PERRY. I AM THE BORG KING." He blared in a mechanical voice, but then 'The Borg King' paused, looking at Phineas.

"SECONDARY TARGET ACQUIRED. ATTACK, DRONES!" he blared again, and the other Borg surged forwards.

They were stopped by Ferb. And a small, pen-like device.

Ferb flipped, kicked, spun on his head and punched his way through the five Borg in nothing flat.

What? Oh, yeah, the pen thingie. He was using that to help him defeat all the Borg, somehow removing their armor plating and implants with it.

Anyways, in nothing flat, Ferb had defeated all five of the Borg Perry had sent at him.

"Whoa," said Buford.

"Ferb? Since when did you know how to do all that?" asked Isabella.

"It's simple, he learned that through a nonsensical chaotic event which has no ties whatsoever to anything coherent except the continuation of this plot." said Baljeet.

"Come again?"

"WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT." Said Perry.

Phineas simply stared with his jaw open.

Ferb, in the meantime, quickly finished de-Borgifying the five Borg. In their place was a tall man with a white crew cut and a thick mustache, a teenager with no nostrils, a pharmacist, and a normal tree and park bench. The three people looked at each other, then walked away.

Ferb smiled and polished his pen device.

"HOW DID YOU REMOVE CYBORG IMPLANTS WITHOUT INJURING THE HOST ORGANISM." grated Perry.

"Sonic Screwdrivers are known for their wide variety of uses." Said Ferb. Then, to prove his point, he threw the Sonic Screwdriver at Perry and knocked "The Borg King' unconscious.

Everyone looked at him.

After a few seconds of rather uncomfortable silence, Ferb walked over to Perry and recollected his Sonic Screwdriver. Then he pressed a button on it, causing a high-pitched squeal to echo through Danville. A moment later a blue Police Box materialized in front of him with a weird grating noise.

Ferb opened the door to the Police Box.

"By the way, I'm the Doctor. Anybody want to explore all of the space-time continuum with me?" he asked.

Out of nowhere ran up Vanessa Doofenshmirtz, yelling, "Ooh, me!"

She and Ferb climbed into the blue Police Box, which then disappeared with the same grating noise.

Phineas, Isabella, Buford, Baljeet, and the Fireside Patchkins all stared at the spot where Ferb had stood a moment ago.

After nearly another minute of stunned silence, Phineas summed up what they were all thinking with a simple:

"_What the heck just happened?"_

**Yes, you read that correctly. Ferb is the Doctor. **

**Yes, I did get that from a picture my brother drew- it was of Ferb in the tenth Doctor's outfit. At first, I just yelled at him about it, but eventually it took root in my brain and came to fruition with a bunch of other bizarre ideas in this story.**

**Heh. I hope this isn't going too crazy too fast for anybody.**

…**If anybody needs me, I'll be hiding under my desk.**


End file.
